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| *This is not me. |
Lately, I've had the privilege of being able to hike... a lot. Normally, this is something I am ridiculously excited to do, but translates to little time in my schedule. Part of my now weekly (*!!!*) hiking schedule has included hikes straight up Blue Mountain. These aren't my normal take-the-chairlift-ski-down or drive-somewhere-scramble-around-on-top-for-a-while jaunts. No, they are start at the bottom, pick a relatively straight, steep line, and plod my way to the top. It's not pretty, but in the couple of months since I've been doing it I'm wheezing and stopping less, and appreciating the view more (as opposed to being doubled over, which is my usual stance).
Of course, since there is some unwritten rule about this in life, my desire to get in shape (and complete a 5k race up said mountain, but that's a different story) was beginning around the same time that we started to face lots of challenges in our ministry with YFC. At first, it started small: our youth were apathetic about lots and didn't really want to do anything. Then, we grew worried that we didn't have enough volunteers to meet our programming needs. Then, our financial situation took a dive far worse than we had experienced before. And I began to ask myself the question, "Am I insane?"
I grew increasingly frustrated with the mounting issues we were facing, generally feeling, well, like I was walking straight uphill. The things that I was used to doing in order to operate the youth centre or raise support weren't working or at the very least were made far worse by hiccups that were met along the way. And then, like I did when I first started hiking up the mountain, I plopped myself down and I whined.
Thankfully, I work and live with people who have little tolerance for whining, but are graceful enough to not laugh at me or shut me down. They reminded me that I needed to focus on what was important, not on the muck that was gathering at my feet. And when I began to pray, to give the huge burdens up to God, I found I could get up and take a few more steps. I could look ahead and see a way to get around the obstacles that seemed so huge without losing my mind. Honestly, the financial burdened was the hardest. It seemed for a split second like everything was going to shut down. It was difficult for me to give up, since my whole life and being seemed to balance on our ministry. But it was amazing, once I began to intentionally pray, how God would give me peace when I needed it most, providing small graces to get me through the next few steps.
Of course, I'd be lying if I said I no longer felt anxious, but as I read yesterday, "perhaps anxiety is an act of grace because it encourages us to face our fears so that we can then choose to freely follow God where He is calling us." (source). That's one side of the coin, and definitely something that I resonate with. But the view and hope that I hold to is this: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Ph. 4:4-7)
Things are slowly turning around. Or maybe they're not changing at all and I am able to see how they are moving us forward and not back. We have more people interested in joining our volunteer team. We're blessed with a centre of youth that while they aren't always the most motivated, really value the presence of The Door in their lives. This has led to some incredible ministry opportunities that we would have missed otherwise. And our finances are slowly turning around - but it's been a lot of work. I feel so blessed to be where I am right now, with the people that I am surrounded with.
So as I hike uphill, things are a little different now. I see what lies ahead. I notice those that are walking along with me. And most of all, I see the beautiful view.
I've written before about our ministry of walking through the darkness with our youth, or as we sometimes refer to it "place-sharing".This is, in my mind, what makes The Door Youth Centre an exciting and a slightly terrifying place all at the same time. This weekend was another one of "those" weekends, where it seemed like everyone who came through our doors had something weighing heavy on their minds and hearts.
There's one guy that we've been working with for at least three years now. He's a pretty cool guy, loves taking photos, and enjoys subjecting others to the "stupid test" on his ipod. Our relationship with him started when he was just entering high school, and we've walked with him through most of his life since then. The past year hasn't been easy on our friend. Things at home aren't always going well, and he holds a lot of resentment towards his single mom and sister. He's got an on again off again relationship with a girl (it's off again) that has been going on for a lot longer than most relationships but has moments of deep love and concern as well as those of conflict. In the past six months, we've seen this easy going kid begin to deal with addiction in his life, withdrawl from his peers, growing distance in our once close relationship, and a growing darkness in his whole being. This once bright light is now dimmed by anger, and hopelessness.
This weekend, his disposition and an incident that he had with another of our youth made me angry. I was angry at this young man for about thirty seconds, thinking "How the heck could he treat someone that he cares about this way? Why is he doing this?", and feeling confused and lost about how we could reach out to him. But very quickly my anger towards him changed, and I became angry at the people or circumstances that have caused him to react this way.
This is a young man with great potential. He didn't have great potential and lose it, he still has it. In our work with him from this point, we will be relying on God's leading to help draw some of those strengths out of him so that he can cope without substances, without cutting himself, without pushing those who care about him away - or whatever his deal may be. We know that God is able to redeem all of the dark areas in his life, even when we feel confused about why a young person has walked away. This is why we need people to come alongside youth at The Door, because working this stuff out alone is difficult alone. We all need somebody, and while we may be on a journey with this young guy for a good long while, we will always be here when he needs us. It's there...somewhere.
Lately we've been thinking a lot about hope. We see small glimmers of hope everyday that we are at The Door, and were looking for a way to share this with you. Last week, hope was found in a courthouse, next to one of our youth whose mother didn't go to court with her because she knew what the outcome was going to be. Hope is found on the streets of Toronto, where our youth are disinfecting sleeping mats for the patrons of Out Of The Cold. Hope is found in a youth who wants to start going to school next semester, because they finally have a dream for college. This week, hope is found in kids giving their change and spending money towards the relief work that is happening in Haiti. The Door thrives on hope, the hope that is found in a warm relationship, and threaded through everything we do is the hope that is found in Jesus Christ.
So consider this a record of our stories from the road. Some are amazing. Others are hard to read. Some will make us laugh until we're crying. But hope is where we're starting from, and that is what will move us forward.
