Relationships, In The Messy Bits

I remember in college doing a group assignment for a course in Group Dynamics. Each week our small group of four had to meet, and while working on a project, had to assess the dynamics our group was experiencing. The first week that we met, one of our group members said very frankly, "I will build friendships with all of you, but don't ever call them relationships. Friendships are fine, but to me, relationships mean something more." Most of us were thrown off a little by his admission, but we complied. In the end our group ended up demonstrating more dysfunctional dynamics than we'd hoped, likely because we were all at arm's length from one another.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about relationships. Particularly as we have walked with our youth through some very dark times. There are points where we think, "This is too hard! It's so much easier to walk away, or simply be with the kids who have it 'together'." I've been reading Andrew Root lately. I saw him at a conference a couple of weeks ago, and his expertise is true relational ministry*. He examines the difference between building relationships for the sole purpose of leveraging influence (i.e. I will build a relationship with Joe so I can influence him to make a decision for Christ), versus building relationships for "place-sharing", that is, entering into the depths of suffering and humanity, to really be human together. I have found that he summed up what I was already thinking. He talks about a ministry he was a part of, and driving home with fellow youth workers. No one said a word because they were so exhausted from ministry; they had not expected the youth to insult them and push them away. Sometimes, we feel like that.

This should put to rest anyone who feels that the ministry of The Door is to take advantage of youth when they are vulnerable by coercing them into a relationship with Jesus. Instead, we stick with them through the dark parts, because we believe that they should not have to go through them alone. When we send them home week after week for breaking the code of conduct, we welcome them back the following week, and we talk about their decisions, behaviour, and consequences rather than putting it under the rug. Recently, we've been dealing with a couple of young men (the term 'trying' would barely be adequate), who seem to be purposefully looking for buttons to push every week. We try to be consistent in our discipline and expectations, and continue to plug through. Sometimes they shock us with great insight in the middle of a discussion, when it appears that they have been sleeping or distracted the whole time. At the end of the day, we pray that by sticking with them we are truly living incarnationally. We are being human together, and despite their behaviour, we are committed to walking along with them. Root puts forth the challenge to actually live an incarnational life, rather than use it as just a good ministry model (which I've been guilty of).

I would not be where I am today if it hadn't been for people who cared enough to stick through my messy bits and live out Jesus in my life. I may have appeared earlier as though I don't care about proclaiming Jesus to our youth, that is not the case, I just want Jesus to be a part of their reality, not a bandaid solution. That happens in our darkness, when the light shines through. Keith Green sang about when God's love broke through. There are few better descriptions of God's transformation in life. Getting there, slogging through the mud, is never something we should have to do alone.



*If you are in youth ministry, I'd highly recommend his books Revisiting Relational Youth Ministry,
and Relationships Unfiltered.